


I Will Not Mourn Me

by VisionaryGalaxy



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is funny cause I hate death fics, sorry Alec, that last tag was just to be safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-01-26 12:39:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12557564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: Alec, Izzy, and Jace are ambushed. Alec will always be a big brother first and foremost and he will not fail his family again.





	1. Alexander Lightwood

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so first time writing something legitimately angsty (our dark rememberings does not count and I promise update coming soon). I just sort of got thinking about how Alec would die, which is funny cause I hate reading those fics.  
> Let me know what you think, and please please please tell me if I need to add any warnings or tags!!!

This was the end and Alec knew it. He should be scared, terrified that any minute now the demons would zero in on his location and it would be over. But Alec wasn’t afraid, either that made him brave or fool-hardy but with a shake of his head Alec dismissed the thought, it didn’t matter anymore. No, all he felt was relief, so strong that it brought tears to his eyes that he wiped away with a shaking hand.

_I didn’t fail, not this time._

It had been just the three of them; him, Izzy and Jace when they got ambushed. It was supposed to be a simple extermination mission but it got out of hand much too fast, their numbers greater than there should have been. He saw the sudden shock and terror on Izzy’s face, a sight he never wanted to see, one he never thought he would. It had caused every protective instinct in him to flare with an intensity that washed away his own fear, it let him focus, let him be a leader for once. But a thousand times worse was Jace, his confident sun that was never afraid of anything. Jace’s eyes hadn’t wavered from the demons approaching down the hallway, nothing outwardly betrayed him, but he was Alec’s parabatai and he couldn’t hide from him. Dread had spread throughout the bond until it was almost paralysing, and it was so shocking to Alec that he had froze. It took him much too long to separate from Jace’s emotions and focus at the task on hand.

In that moment Alec did what he was good at, he shut down his emotions and turned all his attention to the thousands of hours he had spent strategizing and training, all the work he had done to prepare for the moment like this when he needed to protect his family.

It took him all of five seconds to do the math, and judging by the strained gasp from Jace he did too. One of them would have to die, and just like that Alec had relaxed because this had always been his purpose. He would not fail Izzy and Jace like he had failed Max. It was his responsibility and Max’s death was there to remind him every day that he hadn’t been good enough to complete his greatest duty: Protect his siblings.

The demons were nearly on them, and he could sense others circling around so it was now or never. Alec lifted his bow and shot several arrows and then he ran, shooting and hollering as he went gaining their attention. Like most low level demons, they were slave to basic instinct and couldn’t resist the chase. There was a flash of agony echoing through the bond and the clear shriek of his name from Isabelle’s lips but it was working. He could sense Jace desperate to go after him, but he also knew one thing for certain; he could trust in Jace to see Izzy safely home. It was that thought that allowed Alec to keep shooting and running even has his heart hammered with adrenalin and the echo’s of fear from his loved ones.

So here he was now, in a small storage area completely devoid of arrows. He was crouching back to the wall watching the door shake and tremble from the sheer number of demons. There was desperation and panic through the bond, but no pain which meant Jace was not injured. Alec himself felt exhausted, so very tired, yet for the first time since he watched his little brother’s body burn something lifted from his shoulders.

_I didn’t fail again._

Alec didn’t feel as though he had gained redemption at all, but still his breath came easier and the sob he let out was part hysterical at this point but he didn’t mind. He could never make up for Max, but today he finally felt as though he had earned back the piece of him that made him the big brother his parents demanded of him. The door let out a groan and Alec tensed but it hadn’t given way just yet.

Alec wondered if his parents would be proud of him, if once they saw Izzy and Jace come home they would have finally been able to look him in the eye again. He knew they didn’t blame him, no they blamed themselves, but Alec figures there is more then enough to go around. Alec glanced around the small room unable to help himself, but it had no windows just mostly empty shelves.

Alec didn’t want to die, Angels, if there had been another way. Emotion stirred in his chest and his breath grew harsh; he would never see Jace get married, never see Izzy fall truly in love, he would never feel his parabatai’s emotions next to his, never hear Izzy laugh again. The tears came unbidden to Alec’s eyes, and the agony from the bond doubled, he wondered if Jace could sense his thoughts. Still shaking Alec focused all his attention on the bond and used all of his experience to send one clear message to the other half of his soul: _I’m sorry_ , Alec thought of their oaths _, I could never watch you die and you can’t follow me but I love you brother and watch out for her_.

Alec knew Jace would only get impression but the pain through the bond meant he understood loud and clear. And Alec knew that even though he would never see them grow old or smile again it was worth it just to know they _would_ , if he could do the same for Max he would have cause just knowing he had a future would have been enough. Alec slowly stood as the door began to bend inward, and he spared an amused thought that the door would be so strong. It was almost time, Alec tightened his grip on his seraph blade and let his mind wander to the one place he truly wanted to imagine when he died.

Alec had woken this morning to soft sunlight through white curtains next to Magnus, whose face had been cleared of make up and olive skin glowing. He had been beautiful that morning, and the grin Magnus had graced him with once he nuzzled into his neck had filled Alec with true warmth and love. They had talked about random things, about Alec’s mission briefly, and it was this image Alec wanted in his head. It took a great effort to reject the thought of Jace having to tell Magnus in a few hours what happened, and Alec hoped with everything in him that wherever Magnus was in this moment, whatever client he was with, he was happy. He hoped Magnus was thinking of their lazy morning and traded kisses, and he hoped he was smiling that fucking beautiful smile for as long as possible. He hoped he was in ignorant bliss for as long as fate would allow.

The door flew inward and Alec’s eyes snapped open, his body naturally shifting into the proper stance. The tears stopped, the shaking stopped, even his mind, the only thing he felt was the bond and he was focused on it, happy to feel it one last time, to feel Jace’s heart next to his. Alec acted automatically fighting and swinging, knowing the least he could do was bring as many of these demon with him, it would be expected of him from the clave, his family.

When he finally missed and the pain began to race through him in dozens of stings and bites Alec let himself fall and be overwhelmed, to his amazement though the pain began to ebb away, replaced by warm waves that Alec first thought was his blood. But no, he quickly realized it was Jace, whose grief was being pushed back and he got the message loud and clear: _I can’t die with you brother, but let me take your pain. You are loved_.

Alec died in a small storage room, bleeding out from dozens of stab and bite wounds, but he didn’t feel any pain, instead Alexander Lightwood’s eyes were closed and the smallest smile was on his lips as comfort surrounded him and his thoughts drifted happily between his family, and the love of his short life. He met death without fear, he met death fulfilling the role he was born too, and he met death with the knowledge his little brother was waiting for him.


	2. Isabelle Lightwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy has only felt pain like this once before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I sat down to write Jace's perspective and was hit by a wave of emotion for Isabelle and had to do her first. Sorry!  
> Side Note: I listened to Sleeping At Last Saturn while writing it. Not a sad song but beautiful :)

Isabelle Lightwood had faced many trials in her short life, but nothing prepared her for the horde of demons advancing on them. For the first time that she could remember she froze, and for a split-second standing behind her two brothers she was six years old again hiding behind them. Shame quickly followed the feeling and dread slithered throughout her stomach, as she forced herself to stand tall, if she was going to die here with her brothers she would do it like she always had, strong and unafraid.

Glancing at her brothers as she tensed and prepared to fight she knew they were communicating in some way through the bond, but she was startled when Jace let out a strangled gasp, head whipping toward Alec, eyes wide.

Izzy stepped forward stomach lurching as Alec gave a quick sad smile to Jace and his arm raised to grab an arrow. As he knocked it she suddenly felt overwhelmed with the horrid sense of _wrong_. Before she could say anything, Alec was running and Jace’s arm was stretched toward him.

The pieces fell sickly into place and Izzy felt her entire body still as Alec’s name tore through her throat in a spine chilling scream. Her eyes on the dark hair of her eldest brother sprinting away from them and yelling at the demons. Not thinking just acting, Izzy moved to run and then there was an arm grabbing her around the waist and tugging her backwards. A scream let loose as Izzy felt everything inside her rebel because by god NO, she couldn’t see him anymore, she couldn’t _see_ Alec.

A hand clamped down on her mouth and Izzy began to struggle in earnest, her entire body pulling towards her big brother, _she couldn’t do this, not again, please god no, not another brother._ She was suddenly swung outside a side door and as it slammed shut it felt too final, she managed to get out of the arms and swing around only to punch Jace square in the jaw, he didn’t respond, just kept a tight hold on her arms.

This was so wrong, how could Jace just stand there? Alec was…No. Tears burned her eyes and her legs went weak. Dropping to the ground Izzy felt her self gag as images of Alec bloody, pale…she threw up on the pavement. Through blurry eyes she looked up at Jace who was hauling her up and toward the portal they had used down the street. His eyes were glazed and he was so pale.

His eyes began to water and Izzy realized she didn’t know the last time she saw him cry, shaking she shoved at his unrelenting grip, “Jace we have to help him! He’ll die! What are you doing that’s your parabatai!” His grip remained relentless and his pace too fast.

Izzy was sobbing now and she couldn’t breath. Her mind kept flipping to Max, to his little body burning, and no she couldn’t watch Alec burn too. And just like that the image of Jace and Alec communicating as the demons approached became crystal clear in her mind, the glazed and unrelenting hold of Jace. Something inside her _broke_ made a physical _snap_. Alec would have ordered Jace to take her safely home, because Alec was selfless and he wanted to save a guilty broken thing like her. Max had died because of her, she had left him all alone, and now she had left Alec too.

Alec was going to die alone and it was all her fault, he wouldn’t even have Jace there by his side and suddenly nothing seemed more terrible. They were at the portal and Izzy looked at Jace who had tears streaming and a hand clutching his rune and by god please, “Jace?” she croaked. She wanted him to say he was fine, to say he could feel Alec safely waiting for them somewhere, that he had a fucking plan that didn’t involve her losing her big brother.

Jace said nothing and suddenly he was pushing her through the portal and she was standing in the portal room. She looked behind her and realized Jace wasn’t coming, turning back around there stood her parents, Lydia.

Izzy thought she had already felt it, that this pain couldn’t get any worse as she sobbed but starring at the growing looks of fear it reached a crescendo and she screamed. Izzy fell to her knees and kept screaming because she didn’t know how else to get the pain out, wanting to get away from the images of Alec’s lifeless body.

There were voices surrounding her and then it wasn’t just her voice screaming. Gasping out tortured sobs she looked up to the most horrifying sight, that she had hoped never to see again. Maryse Lightwood was on her knees gripping her daughter’s shoulder and shaking. Tears were streaming down her face and she kept yelling, then Robert was there face twisted into agony and he was yelling too. It took Izzy a moment to recognize the words;

“Where is he Isabelle? Where is Alec?! Tell me right now, TELL ME WHERE MY SON IS”

No words came to her mouth, because by god how could you tell a parent that they would never see their son again, that he died to save her? And like another punch to her stomach she thought of her brother’s smile, his laughter, the happiness he found with Magnus and wasn’t that a cruel joke? Finally given joy, and no time to truly experience it. The shaking didn’t stop and her parents had turned terrified and pale, Izzy herself could feel every crack that weaved its way through her, and the ever-widening hole in her chest that seemed to multiply to twice the seize it did with Max.

There was movement and Izzy couldn’t even process the desperate faces of her parents all she could do as she starred into their tear-filled eyes was think to herself: _I failed again, I took another son from you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Magnus are still coming, just might take a bit longer because school work right now.  
> Also after writing this chapter I can't help but toy around with Maryse and Robert's view hmm.  
> Let me know what you think, hope you enjoyed :)


	3. Jace Lightwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace wasn't supposed to be the one left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took awhile. Sorry about that. Jace feels a lot during this and I'm sorry if it comes across a bit confusing but I wanted to show the chaos of his feelings. Hope you enjoy :)

   Jace didn’t think he would die this way. A horde of low-level demons was not how he envisioned it, especially after all that he had survived, Valentine, Lilith, Sebastian, it was almost poetic he figured, except that he wasn’t alone. Had Jace been alone this would have been an easy fate, but no. Alec stood by his side stock still, and Izzy was behind him breathing harshly. As Jace starred at the demons he felt fear to his surprise. He didn’t want to die and the realization that only a distraction would give them a chance, made dread spread throughout his bones and his stomach to twist sickly.

    A glance at Alec and suddenly Jace froze, his subconscious realizing what was happening and bracing his body for an invisible impact he may not survive. Alec offered him a sad smile and _fuck no, not him_. With a strangled cry Jace shot his hand out toward Alec just as his brother began to run. Jace’s entire world seemed to go black, an unbearable burning sliding from his Rune telling him to run to follow like he was meant to, like he promised. _Take care of her_.

   His heart stopped. Izzy was screaming Alec’s name and without any conscious control he grabbed Izzy and dragged her toward the door as the horde of demons followed after Alec’s disappearing form. Nausea bloomed through him as every fiber of his being, as every strand of his soul strained and yearned toward its other half, like every muscle was slowly being torn from his body every step he took away. He had to go to Alec, he had to _be there_ he couldn’t let him leave alone. They were outside now body moving without his permission and suddenly Jace was angry, at Alec at Izzy for doing this to him, for not letting him die with his soul intact.

   Ignoring the punch Izzy hit him with, he dragged her quickly toward the portal. As he moved, his eyes became unfocused, images flashing through his mind that he knew were from Alec, images of his own face, Izzy’s smiling, laughing. Jace choked as tears began to stream down his face, but he stayed focused on his parabatai, because he could _feel_ him, and if he could feel him he was alive. But then a sense of defeat came through the bond and Jace wanted to scream to shake some sense into his hopeless stubborn parabatai. His Rune was throbbing with increasing pain now and pressing his hand to it he gritted his teeth over the sense of desperation.

   Izzy was saying something to him, crying hysterically and he wanted to snap at her because she didn’t have the right. She felt nothing compared to him, but they were in front of the portal so he shoved her into it roughly and it closed behind her. Breathing heavily Jace suddenly collapsed, body shaking as sobs wracked him without his permission. _He needed to go to him, needed to find him._

   He had gotten Izzy out and now he was exhausted, he could feel it and fuck please no. Pain wracked Jace’s soul in a feeling he could never describe, the universe itself felt like it was screaming in ears as their bond pulled and twisted simultaneously trying to pull them together and apart. Without meaning to Jace reached across the bond and latched on to Alec, who he realized had reached a sense of calm. _Its time_. Came across the bond loud and clear.

   “NO” Jace screamed as his body twisted, and he was crawling back towards the warehouse unable to get on his feet. He could feel Alec fighting, feel his rapid heartbeat next to his own, and he couldn’t fuck he couldn’t never feel that again. Please Angel NO anyone but him.

   It felt as though the bond was dragging him towards Alec itself, and he couldn’t, wouldn’t let go, _I WON’T leave you Alec_

   Jace felt the first bite and he collapsed, his desperate crawling coming to a standstill. Grief like he had never felt washed over him, and Jace threw up right there on the ground, sobbing in desperation. More bites and Jace couldn’t take the thought of Alec in pain, not now. With a herculean effort Jace was going to give him the one thing he could, he focused on the bond until he could feel Alec’s pain and then he took it away, brought it onto himself. The bites and stings overwhelmed Jace, but he welcomed it. It was the penance he deserved, _wanted_ for leaving his brother to die alone.

   Alec faded, but when he died, it was all at once sudden and empty. The pain disappeared from the demons and with it the bond he had tried to hold on to so desperately. Jace laid on the ground starring up at the darkening sky alone for the first time in nearly fifteen years. His soul was empty, gone, dead. There was nothing where everything should be, and Jace could barely stand the feeling of breath rising in his chest when all he wanted was nothing at all.

   He screamed and screamed. He screamed at the sky, the Angel, the demons. He screamed at gods and devils, he cursed the clave and screamed at himself. Fists slammed into the ground until his hands were bloody and broken and still he felt nothing. Jace dragged himself up from the ground after what felt like hours, but had only been minutes. Tears continued down his cheeks, and finally screamed again, this time at Alec who dared to die while he lived.

   Then Jace was running, running towards the warehouse abandoned by the demons. He ran straight to the room he knew Alec was in and standing there in the hallway he starred at the doorway where he knew Alec was, Alec who wasn’t Alec anymore. Just a body, just nothing, because his soul was gone, because the bond was gone. Jace gritted his teeth and stepped in, but as soon as his eyes fell on Alec’s bloody and broken body he fell to his knees again. His soul snapped for the final time a sickening crack as his entire world crumbled into just this image of Alec. With a sob he crawled to his side and lifted him into his arms. His face was practically unrecognizable but that didn’t stop Jace from holding on to his limp form desperate for some small connection to fill the empty angry hole inside him.

   Jace sat there with Alec’s body in his arms for nearly thirty minutes, tears falling and soul screaming itself numb every time it reached out for something, anything else. When the room filled with Shadowhunters not ten minutes later he didn’t respond, when someone tried to grab the body in his hands he didn’t hesitate to slice open the offending hand, expressionless but eyes blazing with warning.

   When five minutes after that the sound of sobs roused him slightly from his haze, he looked up to find Maryse on the ground in front of him one hand in Alec’s hair he finally released him to her shaking arms. She cried over his body like Jace had done half an hour before succumbing to numbness, whispered his name over and over mixed with _My Boy, Alexander My Boy_ until her sobs turned to screams of her own and Robert was there, his own eyes bloodshot.

   Jace didn’t move, starring at them, but mostly Alec’s body wondering how they can grieve when they don’t even know what its like to _truly_ feel him gone. To be so completely empty of him in a way nobody will ever know. When thin familiar arms wrapped around him and red hair impeded his vision, Jace was sickened to realize his still felt nothing, and with a glance at his seraph blade he thought about how much easier it would be to join his other half now.

_Take care of her_

   Another sob and Jace leaned back into the comforting arms. His brother knew him so well, he wouldn’t break another promise, not after this, not after his sacrifice. But he still wished it had been him instead, and he would for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I managed to invoke a tear or two. Been awhile since I TRIED to write angst, I'm working on Magnus's perspective right after this :)


	4. Magnus Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus had experienced grief a thousand times and it never got easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be surprising to some. Unlike Isabelle or Jace whose emotions could best be described as devastation, I never viewed Magnus' grief like that. He's been alive for a very long time, and knows how to deal with death and how to keep moving no matter how much it hurts. So yeah, I always saw his grief as more composed then messy. Hope you still like it!

   Magnus was seated comfortably on a sofa at one of the dozens of Downworld council meetings organized this week. The meetings were designed to establish relations similar to those in New York with other institutes around the world. A useful but tedious process and Magnus was already more than a little annoyed with the participants. But that was not the only reason, something was…off and he wasn’t sure what it was setting his magic on edge. As of an hour ago Magnus had sensed his magic growing restless looking for an outlet, constantly fanning out as though trying to bring his attention to something. This wasn’t uncommon and usually amounted to nothing, but this evening for some reason Magnus found himself paying closer attention to the actions of attendees and actively searching for…something.

   Finally, irritated by his magic and a lack of progress at the meeting Magnus chose to return home with a grateful smile to Caterina who promised to inform him of any decisions they came to. For his own part, Magnus was eager to return home, pour a glass of wine, and hopefully convince Alexander to abandon the paperwork for that day’s mission. His Shadowhunter had awoken him that morning with small kisses that he was eager to return sevenfold. Smiling to himself Magnus stepped through a portal and into his loft.

   Magnus felt his magic surge forward and gritted his teeth against its sudden onslaught as he looked around in confusion. The sun had gone down nearly an hour before, but there didn’t appear to be anyone in the loft, least of all his gorgeous Shadowhunter, who should have returned early tonight. Chairman Meow appeared at his feet and Magnus bent to pick up the cat absently as he walked over to the bar and summoned a drink. The feeling of unease had grown to twist at Magnus’ stomach, and send a tingling of warning up his spine. Taking out his phone Magnus saw no messages, unusual if Alec was staying late at the Institute, his heart began to beat rapidly.

   Magnus dropped Chairman on to the couch before sitting next to him feeling his own legs go weak. Magnus was not a stupid man, he knew something was wrong, worse his magic knew something was wrong long before him. His eyes flickered closed as he summoned the courage to face what might be a very long night, he was a pessimist at heart and while there may be some other explanation his instinct told him not to get his hopes up.

   Standing, Magnus opened a portal, this time to the Institute and breathing deeply he stepped through onto the front lawn. Its spirals did not look beautiful tonight, no they looked foreboding and unfriendly as he walked slowly up the path to the front door. Magnus swallowed thickly feeling his composure slipping as his magic seemed to settle, this was where it wanted him. He knocked loudly on the door and almost hoped no one would answer, but it was not to be. He was greeted by something that confirmed his fears in the worst way. Lydia Branwell opened the large door, her face was pale, eyes bloodshot, and hands shaking. Her face turned horrified upon seeing him standing on the step, before crumpling into despair.

   Magnus’ breath caught for a moment and struggling to maintain himself after centuries of practice he asked thickly no more than a whisper, “Where is he?”

   “I’m so sorry Magnus,”

   He shook his head roughly, “I said, where is he?”

   Lydia stepped back from the door and Magnus stepped in, noting her failure to answer his question. Tears sprung to his eyes as looked around at a darkened Institute whose aura was filled with heart-wrenching loss, as Shadowhunter’s walked by heads down, eyes on the floor. Magnus was in a nightmare, he hadn’t woken this morning to his lover’s smile and kisses, he was still sleeping waiting to be awoken properly.

   A hand on his shoulder made him turn to Lydia, whose own eyes had filled with tears again. “I was going to call, but Jace-” her voice broke, and Magnus felt it for the first time, a crack weaving its way through his heart. But still despite the tears swimming in his eyes he clung desperately to his only source of composure.

   “Take me to him, please.”

   “Magnus…it wasn’t…it wasn’t pretty.”

   He wanted to laugh in her face. He had lived for centuries, nobody was graced with a pretty death, let alone a Shadowhunter, let alone the one man who deserved it beyond all else. He closed his eyes for a moment, bringing to the surface his lover’s beautiful blue eyes, his dark hair, his wide smile. The marks that decorated his pale skin, beautiful beyond words. He could remember him like this, and he would. He would remember him like that and a thousand other ways, but he would never forgive himself if he didn’t do this one last thing. If he didn’t…say goodbye. Magnus choked on a sob, and just like that his composure slipped, his cat eyes burned into Lydia’s with a desperation that he had only felt a few times in his long life.

   “Lydia _please_. Shadowhunters, the Clave have taken so much from me. I won’t tolerate this too.”

   Her mouth closed on another protest and she nodded, resolute. She began to walk towards the morgue and Magnus followed snapping his tears away, and looking straight ahead, ignoring the stares and whispers as he passed. Ignoring the way hunters seemed to rush about, the Institute in chaos as their leadership was taken by grief and death. They came to the doors and Magnus felt his heart stop, knowing what was on the other side, knowing that this will make it real, not a nightmare. Lydia stood aside, waiting, letting him have a moment.

   Magnus had experience with grief of all sorts. In his life he had dealt with losses provided by death, indifference, and heartbreak, among a thousand others. Yet, always in the face of it he felt the same, vulnerable and unsure. His mind rebelled against realities brutally unpleasant, like this one, like the fact that-. He stopped, and strode through the doors, expecting to find his lover naked on a slab in the cold heartless way common to Shadowhunters. He froze instead when he found nothing, and Lydia pointed him towards a set of side doors, that appeared to lead to some smaller chapel type room

   Magnus moved slower this time, and when he stepped through he found a tiny domed room darkened with three stained glass windows but that wasn’t all, he found a raised platform of stone similar to that of a sacrificial table of the old days, and on it-. Magnus starred at the form on the slab, covered by a white sheet. His legs went weak, and finally alone, his composure was no longer needed. Tears came to his eyes and flowed over in small rivers, as he stumbled his way forward on shaking legs, he longed for the numbness he felt when he first arrived. As he moved past the row of candles leading up to the dais, he noticed immediately that presentation was meant specifically for a private viewing, but before he could put too much thought to it he was standing next to him. With a trembling hand, Magnus reached out and lifted the sheet back in one quick movement revealing his face.

   “ _Alexander_ ”

   Magnus broke, his magic grew volatile rebelling at the simple restraints Magnus had and with a sob he fell to his knees next to him, next to Alec’s form laid out and cold. His eyes were closed, his face paler then it had been, but his face…there were cuts and stings professionally cleaned but looked horrendously painful nonetheless. Magnus felt his heart clench painfully as though desperate to stop beating itself, as wave after wave of hopeless grief washed over him. Standing he leaned over Alexander, feeling how cold he was, hating it as his magic reached out to warm the unnatural skin like it was second nature.

_It not fair, its not fucking fair, not after everything_

   They had been through so much, and Magnus could not take this not this. He had tried time and time again to come to terms with the fact that one day, _One Day_ Alexander would die, and he would be left behind, but he had never envisioned anything but old age stealing him from Magnus’ grasp. He had been so stupid.

_I’m a Shadowhunter Magnus, we marry young, have children young, die young_ Alec had told him that once, and he had somehow believed he could prevent it. Magnus never stopped being naive it seemed. Peering through bleary eyes, he looked at Alec’s face, noting the peace there despite the bruising, and cuts, and really that wasn’t surprising. Through the grief Magnus recognized something familiar creeping its way through his magic, through the back of his mind, a numbness, a promise of oblivion. He had been closed off for so long and Alexander had saved him in more ways then one, trembling he ran a hand through Alec’s dark hair, and let himself truly feel the pain, to embrace the tears because Alexander wouldn’t want him to run away again, to close his heart.

   Shaking, Magnus sobbed as his heart beat painfully, as his throat went dry until he was croaking and red with it. He let himself hunch over his lover and memorize how he felt one last time, he whispered into his ear with quiet breaths and wet laughs, his favourite memories. Alec’s blush when they met, his laugh, his touch their first night, his promises of love. He swore through trembling lips and blazing cat eyes to his lifeless body and wandering soul to watch over his siblings until their passing. Magnus allowed his magic for the last time to spread over his body and erase the evidence of the fight, and simultaneously left a small layer of glitter along the lines of his deflect Rune, imaging the laugh and condemnation that would have caused. He couldn’t bear to let him burn without some small piece of Magnus.

   Finally, after an hour Magnus stood on his own two feet and starred down at one of the greatest loves of his life. Wiping away a few stray tears, he committed his last features to memory, “I love you Alexander, and you will never fade from my memory. Goodbye my warrior, my angel, my heart.”

   Summoning his composure, using all his years of practice Magnus crafted his mask and forcing down is volatile magic he replaced the sheet and turned away, moving down the dais. Walking past the candles he allowed himself to envision the future, he made a promise to Alexander and he would keep it. He walked from the small chamber and took a breath before looking at his phone, blown up from Caterina, Raphael, Luke, Clary, they knew, and they were worried. But he was ok, he would be ok in time. Leaving the morgue behind Magnus found Lydia in a chair not far from the door looking exhausted. She looked up at him with concern, and he forced his voice not to shake. Alexander would want so much more then his tears now, and he had every intention of seeing it through, despite his burning soul.

   “Take me to Isabelle and Jace please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it guys! Let me know how I did with my first real exercise in angst, constructive criticism always welcomed.   
> I have been messing with the possibility of creating a second part with some perspectives of lesser characters like Maryse and Robert or Clary and Lydia. Let me know if you would be interested in seeing that.  
> Thanks for reading! have a great day :)


	5. Maryse Lightwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maryse had always been afraid of having children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for the great response I have had for this fic! but its finally time to close it out. This is Maryse's short perspective and I will be shortly posting Robert and the funeral. Let me know what you think :)

   Maryse was seated on the edge of the large chair placed behind the desk of the institute head. Her eyes were darting around the room restlessly while her posture remained stuck in one of familiar stiffness. She wasn’t sure when this room ceased feeling like hers and became so alien, despite everything’s nearly identical placement. When it fell into Alec’s care something had shifted, it felt…warmer, more lived in, like being an office was only a secondary function. There were small clues attesting to this shift which Maryse’s eyes drunk up greedily.

   The couch in the sitting area had Jace’s jacket thrown across the back, along with what appeared to be a small set of knives he was so fond of playing with. At the base of the couch were one of Izzy’s many pair of boots and a scarf tossed uncaringly next to them. Finally, on the chair across there was a pad of paper, as though the spot was eternally claimed by Clary for drawing. Aside from these small things, the rest of the room was painfully normal to her stinging eyes, orderly in a way familiar to Alec. She had made her way slowly around the room when she first entered silently hoping to find some small piece of her son, the closest to which had been the wardrobe containing clean suits and battle gear which she had methodically removed and left on the ground in a heap, unwilling to look at it.

   Now sitting at the desk in the signature uncomfortable chair she clenched her jaw and squeezed her eyes closed working hard to cling to the familiar numbness that had invaded her in the past couple days. Maryse looked down at the documents scattered on the desk of mission reports and Clave demands and with an irritated wave she swept them onto the floor where they belonged. Her eyes shifted over the miscellaneous office supplies and fell on the two framed photographs on the corner. Her eyes began to burn again and her heart beat painfully, hatefully in her chest as she lifted one with a shaking hand. It was a photo of their family a few years after Jace had joined them, on the back lawn of the institute, smiling for the most part and very unaware of a camera. Bitterly Maryse threw it at the wall, a cry escaping her lips as a bubble of pain rose within her, pushing past her careful restraints.

   Tears began sliding down her cheeks and Maryse hated it, she hated the vulnerability, the tears, the pain, but most of all she hated herself. Roughly Maryse began opening drawer after drawer tossing it to the floor with barely a look inside, her anger offering respite from the pain, when all she really wanted was the comforting numbness.

   “Maryse?”

   Startled she swung around, hand already going to the blade at her hip. When she saw it was only Robert she simply sat back in the chair. Ah, there it was, that disconnected feeling.

   She could see the unease in Robert’s face as he approached slowly, eyes taking in the mess she had created. He stepped carefully over the strewn drawers until he came to stand in front of her, one hip leaning on the desk, his face blank. He didn’t bother saying anything and Maryse was not at all surprised, because that was just the way he was.

   Slowly Maryse wiped her tears and straightened her clothes. With a shaking hand she smoothed back her hair and waited. Maryse wanted to hate Robert for shutting down like this, but she envied him far too much, both now and when they lost their baby. Losing Max, so small and innocent had been a blow she wasn’t sure she could survive, every breath had been painful without his constant presence. But Alec…the memory of holding his body swam up before her eyes and she gripped the edges of the chair tightly.

   Alec was her first born and the moment she saw Isabelle’s face come through the portal something in her knew, had known that whole day something was wrong. Alexander had never had the heart of a soldier, she always knew that and had hope to crush it because Shadowhunters with that mentality did not survive. Losing him wasn’t a matter of if she _could_ survive but more that she wasn’t sure she _wanted_ to. As a child Maryse had always been afraid of having children, no matter how much the Clave preached about strengthening their numbers she couldn’t imagine raising them to die. It had been her greatest fear.

   Then she had met Robert, and looking at him now, his face stoic as he gazed out the window she almost hated that she had. She had met Robert and fell in love with his confidence, his charm, the way he could be a model Shadowhunter in one breath, and a troublemaker in the next. For the first time she imagined a family, a little boy or a little girl to raise and protect. But the fear lingered. Then they met Valentine, same charm, more charisma and he promised a world where there would be no monsters to fight, no Downworlders to fear. She wouldn’t have to raise a family to die, and the worries and fear began to dissipate.

   The day she held her baby boy in her arms, Maryse fell in love for the second time in her life. She can still remember how he looked up at her with curious blue eyes, how Robert had teared up with pride when Alec never even cried. He had been beautiful, and her heart had stopped with fear for a moment at what his future could be. Maybe that was why she was desperate to believe Valentine, why she had joined the rebellion whole-heartedly, because one day she would be sitting in a small windowless room crying over the body of her eldest son, as his blood flowed out of his body.

   Maryse starred around the messy office once again blinking away the tears and hating everything about the Clave, hating herself and the world she lived in. Maryse asked herself the same question she had repeated over and over again as a child, why did they have to sacrifice everything for humanity? Looking up at Robert once again Maryse couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and grabbing his hand, he finally turned to her, lips pressed together tightly.

   “Why us Robert? Why our baby boys?” She whispered, working hard to keep her voice steady and eyes earnest.

   Robert winced as if that question was physically painful and she supposed it was. He raised his free hand to cover his eyes as though he couldn’t bare to be seen, something that caused a bubble of frustration in Maryse.

   “I don’t know Maryse. Death never has a reason we should…we should just be grateful…”

   Maryse cut him off before he could finish, “Don’t fucking tell me to be grateful, my children are dead.” She snapped, despite knowing it wasn’t really what he meant.

   “Maryse,” Robert sounded exhausted though he looked it as well. Nobody had been sleeping, not between the nightmares and Jace’s screaming at night. “I just mean that we still have Isabelle, and Jace, he’s still apart of Alec, we haven’t lost him completely.” His hand slid down and she could see the redness in his eyes.

   His words only made Maryse feel sick, a twisting in her stomach as she looked up at. For the first time Maryse wondered if maybe Robert was handling it far worse then her, because as much as she hated to admit it, losing Alec hurt far more then it did losing Max and will continue to hurt worse then losing Isabelle. Alexander was her first born, her first son, he was an angel in so many ways. He had the heart of a saint, the determination of a soldier, and she supposes heaven decided she wasn’t deserving of him.

   Robert released her hand suddenly as he stood straight. He looked down at his shoes before nodding his head toward the door, “Come on Maryse, its time.” She closed her eyes, wishing she could ignore him, wishing she didn’t have to go. But instead she took a deep breath and stood, straightening her dress one last time. It was time to say goodbye to Alec, even if it was the last she wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
